Many of you probably don’t know but on Friday, September 22nd I lost my best friend. After 14 years of friendship, and both of us only being 20 years old, I thought we had a lifetime more of memories and fun. But tragically her life was cut short, and every person she had touched lost a piece of their hearts. I didn’t believe it when I heard, and I still can’t fully accept that she’s gone. I’ve gone through denial, and bargaining, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the acceptance stage. How can someone who I spent so many great years with just be gone? How is the girl who took me to prom gone?
On Wednesday I attended her funeral. I though that maybe it would make it more real, and it some ways it did. I saw a casket for the first time, and just thinking that my best friend was inside broke me. Seeing the hundreds of people at her funeral touched my heart, and also broke it. I realized that I wasn’t the only person suffering. Then when I went up to say my condolences to her family, I talked to her sister who told be how much my friend loved me and cared for me, and I of course started crying, and then seeing her mother made me break a little inside. I just couldn’t image how she was feeling, couldn’t believe that she was keeping it together as well as she was, and just knowing that my mother couldn’t do that. And after that we went to the cemetery and said goodbye. I barely held myself together as I heard sobs from all around me.
There is only one good thing that came from this, and that would be that I don’t think that I will ever attempt or think about suicide again. Though my friend died in an accident, her life was still cut too short, as would mine if I ever ended things. And after seeing all the people and her family mourning, as well as how I and my mother felt, I knew immediately that I could never do this to my family. I was so broken, still am, and I am grateful for this clarity.
I know that this will impact me for a long time, maybe forever, and I know that my depression and anxiety will never go away, but I know that I will forever be changed by the loss of my best friend, and whenever I feel sad or feel like I would be better off gone, I know that I can think back on these moments and remember how it felt to lose someone, and know immediately that I couldn’t ever purposefully put someone through that again. As hard as things may be, there is always someone, if not many someones, who will mourn your loss.
Rest is peace Miks ❤
thedailybeckett 